I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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