Church boner. Awkwardddd
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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