I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
