I think i peed on brittanys purse
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
It's shark week go big or go home
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
