no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
