i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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