I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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