I wanna passion pit in your ass
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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