My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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