Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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