we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Even my vagina gasped.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
