You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize