he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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