oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
