I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
