I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
