I bet he comes in French.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
