I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
