seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
