Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
