I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
