i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My breasts were aching with rage.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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