8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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