i think my mom watched the whole time
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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