If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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