So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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