why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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