mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
