she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I supernannyed him into submission
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
