in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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