i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
