2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
