The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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