you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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