Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
