During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
