just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
