Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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