I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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