oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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