Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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