I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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