Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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