if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
