I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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