6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
