i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
