someone threw a dead crab at me
the condom got lost in my hair
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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