dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
should my penis look like a turkey
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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