My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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