I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
