I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My life is pants optional.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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