it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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