K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
