My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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